pieces of me

Anne; all adventurous women do ; wayfaring stranger ; no direction home
     
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Failure

Last weekend I went to a Rend Collective concert and the guy next to me struck up a conversation. Bryan, a 3rd year Trinity student, wanted to go into pastoral counseling and was deciding on whether to go into his Masters or not. Talking to him was easy, he was around my age and pretty cute so I figured it couldn’t hurt. The thing that should have tipped me off is that once of his gifts was counseling. Carmen, the mother of the family I live with, has the same, everything I say get dissected and analyzed.

Bryan told me his story, I told him mine. After hearing it he paused for a minute, he was like Carmen, going over my story in his head.
Then came the question: “Why did you regret getting your degree in Media Management?” It mostly came out of the blue, because he was fascinated by the fact I am from the Netherlands and was a non-believer when I came here.
I regret it because I wanted, like him, to go into counseling but I was never strong enough, now I’m coming up at a point where I could be.
I admitted to him, I didn’t need my degree the job that I do now, and that made me feel even worse about my degree and like a failure.
"But why do you see this as a failure?"

The question stuck with me.

Looking back on 25 years on earth, I’m not very proud of what I’ve been doing. I’m jealous of other people’s stories, other people’s accomplishments. I measure myself to other people on Facebook.

And that’s my failure.

Other people’s lives are not my mine. They have their own troubles and worries I’m sure, they won’t show it to the outside but they still do.

Everything in my life has been leading up to other things.
I might take for granted what that has been but they have.
Being glued to the tv learned me English, having a strong will got me out of the country at age 15. Not completing my psychology degree got me to INHolland for my media degree, which connected me to Judson. Which connected to me to my friends, and even connected me to a church and a family that treats me as their own.

When you start looking at your life in the connections you made, you really realize, life doesn’t suck that much, I haven’t failed.

I haven’t failed when I know my best friend can cry on my shoulder. I haven’t failed when I know that there are little kids out there that love me and don’t have to go to day care because of me. I haven’t failed because I’m helping out my best friend with my degree. I haven’t failed because I’m lucky to be loved. I haven’t failed because I’m 25 and not married.

When looking back on your life, everything has a purpose.
Us girls are the best of thinking of perfect scenario’s and they always fail in our heads.

We get imprinted in our heads “God always has the best way” but sometimes we just don’t enjoy it. The best way just sometimes isn’t the perfect way but it’s the way that works.

God uses every wound

I’ve been driving past a Church almost daily with a sign that says “God uses every wound”. Now the most stereotypical version of this would be “God heals every wound”. Christ is our Saviour and every wound is healed with His love. That’s clear and simple and I believe that happens but what is really bigger at play here is how He uses them.

When you were young, without a doubt, your knees were banged up. No matter how many protection pads your mom buys for you, you’ll always get a scab or a bruise. I myself have yet to pass this phase because I bruise with great ease. If you’d see my legs, the image of a 5 year old comes to mind. Every one of those bruises and scars tell a story. Though now my knees tell the stories of clumsiness.
When I was little I was at a birthday party and it was outside in a park somewhere. We were running around, and I get distracted very easily. I was just looking into afar where I was suppose to run, not seeing where I was actually at. Turned out there barbed wire I didn’t see, I took a tumble and was left with a big jab on my right knee.
I remember the jab so well, we had to go to a nearby MacDonalds to ask for gaze and band aid and stuff. The Mom of the party who I was with felt so guilty, it wasn’t her fault at all, I just simply didn’t pay any attention. Over years the scare faded away.
What really was the issue here I don’t tend to look at things that are right before me, I’m more focused the future. I had learned that where my feet are now is as important is where my feet are going.

This is the lesson God still tries to teach me every day. I like planning, my head is so much in the clouds for the future I forgot to see the now.
The biggest lesson after Zach and I broke up I had to learn, and still have to learn is to enjoy the now. I hated being engaged, and I shouldn’t have, I should have enjoyed it. I wanted it to be July 2014, so I’d be married, I wanted it to be September 2015 so we could try for a baby.
I’m still running without looking for the path I’m on, the scar that is now faded is a lesson I still need to keep relearning.
The mental scar of a broken engagement is now the wound God is using.
A lesson I didn’t learn the first time, enjoy the now.

Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Granted our days are not all filled with trouble, it is also about the joy.
When I am too focussed, I forget about the now. I forget to enjoy the nights spend with friends, the nights of peace with wine and a movie, the concerts I see, the giggles from Phillip. I forgot the joy of being engaged.

God uses every wound, some are more painfull than other, but they are needed. Our focus on God should never fade, our learning should never stop. Our wounds are our lessons, lessons to focus again on God and lessons to better our lives. We might not think the wounds are necessary or fair, but we have to learn from them.

All wounds will heal, it’s hard to be grateful for them, but the art of life is to be grateful form them, to learn, and to live in the now and to thank God about them


I Forget Where We Were" 20th oct.

“My heart is an unmade bed; it might look messy, but I swear it’s a safe place to rest.”

- Moriah Pearson (via marvellra)

(Source: seabois)

“Introverts, man. We’re weird sometimes. Like, “I love you, but I need to go over here by myself right now.””

- ksumnersmith   (via marvellra)

(Source: fantasiawandering)

“Date someone who meets you half way. Date someone who brings you a glass a water when they get themselves one. Date someone who makes sure you don’t spend money on ridiculous things. Date someone your ex hates and your mom loves. Date someone who’d rather spend a Friday night watching movies, than out with 50 people they barley even talk to. Date someone who sleeps on your chest and leaves a little puddle of drool. Don’t date someone who makes you leave oceans of tears.”

- At the end of the day it’s the little things. (via blackcarbs)

(Source: offtheocean)

my Saturday night

my Saturday night

“I’m not used to being loved. I wouldn’t know what to do.”

- F. Scott Fitzgerald, ”More Than Just A House  (via marvellra)

true. thats why i mess up friendships and relationships

(Source: fitzgeraldquotes)

“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”

- Thich Nhat Hanh (via lovequotesrus)

(Source: onlinecounsellingcollege)

lovequotesrus:

Everything you love is here

lovequotesrus:

Everything you love is here

(Source: daiquiri-kisses)

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