pieces of me

Anne; all adventurous women do ; wayfaring stranger ; no direction home
     
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my Saturday night

my Saturday night

More sadness

Really this is actually helping me, so I’m sorry tumblr followers.

From the moment we met again in October till we got engaged, life was really good. I could tell Zach was tired because of the crazy hours of his job but he gave me everything. I was impatient because I like to be taken out on a date every once in a while and I felt like I was the only one planning it.
Naturally we had a fight over it, I could tell he really tried afterwards so that made me happy.

New Years Eve was the happiest day of my life. We had prom at our house and I was worried Zach was just gonna cling around me all night and not socialize but he did and I was so proud of him. Plus we danced like the big dorks we are and he pretended to be drunk, it was adorable.

When we got engaged, we set a date in August, to quickly find out, my lease of the house was up earlier than I thought so we moved up the date.
It really bothered me in the end because there was nothing connecting us to the date. Because we ended up changing it again because the pastor we liked wasn’t available. We should have done something with 24, we starting dating September 24 and December 24.

I quickly threw myself on wedding planning because all the planners said I was already running behind. I got crazy. I needed things to be done, and we struggled finding a church. I have no money to spare, and I already paid for my wedding dress and that was a big purchase. So he was going to pay for everything else. My mom would have paid for the wedding dress but she isn’t here, so she would have given us furniture later. I don’t know about my dad, I’m pretty sure some kind of the same deal too.
I felt bad, on top of that Zach’s mom wasn’t agreeing with the guestlist. Luckily his brother and grandma are the sweetest people I’ve ever met and they were supportive. I felt like I was doing all the planning alone, because I wanted to move on with things and Zach was content with the pace we were going. We didn’t find a church and that hurt us more than we expected.
I was still very pleased with Lord’s Park, but it wasn’t a church.

Once I got my wedding dress I was set to go, I couldn’t take it any longer, I wanted to get married. I wanted him to do all the things I felt needed be done and needed to be done asap. I lost control, I like being in control and him not pulling through other than the venue, was hard on me. I felt like he already mentally checked out on us and my prayer was literally that I would not drive him crazy to leave me before the wedding.

He was so tired, and on top of that I never left him alone. When we saw each other, we were both tired after work and just fell asleep. I can’t count the many times I woke up in the middle of the night, lights on in his dads house and went home.
We were exhausted, we needed a break. I needed a break. So we planned to go to Holland, MI, we just needed to figure out when.
The weekend that we picked, we never went. It was the weekend before I went totally crazy.

I remember it well, it was a Saturday night and I was so excited to spend the whole sunday with him. I had a miss communication before with him thinking he was inviting me over to go to his house in Yorkville for dinner and that I would just leave earlier because he wanted to watch Wrestemania. Turns out, I wasn’t even invited (I had small group that night, so my sunday nights were always busy). I thought I was.
I was already jealous of his mom and the control she still, and still has, over him. I took it as he didn’t want to spend anytime with me.
I blew up and had enough. If he wanted to marry me he had to make time for me.
On the other hand, Zach didn’t know about this understanding, he simply asked (and I miss interpreted) if it was okay he’d leave earlier than planned, instead of me just leaving for small group that night.
But I was very pissed, I wasn’t myself. Thinking back on that time, I can just cry. I gave him back my ring in anger, in jealousy of people that got his attention and I just felt left out.
This boy gave me all this time and it didn’t feel like enough.
That was the night our lives fell apart and I’ve never been the same.

I blamed him and I blamed me.

What did I learn from this is that I need to read more and not jump to conclusions so fast. I’m a bit of a know it all and I was possessive.
I forgot that me and Zach time also needed to happen, instead of just us time.
Where did I see God? With the support that came from directions I didn’t expect.

I don’t know if this heartbreak will ever heal, but I’m starting too.

Also this is not the end of us. That wouldn’t be the way Zach and Anne operate.

“I’m not used to being loved. I wouldn’t know what to do.”

- F. Scott Fitzgerald, ”More Than Just A House  (via marvellra)

true. thats why i mess up friendships and relationships

(Source: fitzgeraldquotes)

My life looking back.

I’ve had a couple of crazy good and crazy shitty months. I figure if I just look back on them I may see my mistakes and see still beauty and Christ in all of it. No-one needs to read this but me basically :)

In September of last year, I let Zach (then ex boyfriend, dating a girl) back into my life. I had missed him as a friend, and I was still in love with him, though I didn’t want to be.
Our break up hit me hard, very hard. Because seeing Zach crumble under my eyes with depression in his heart, trying to fight for anything but coming up short with answers was like flashback to my life when I was a teenager.
He wanted a way out of things, and for him that was starting a family (I was not ready, 24 and JUST graduated, barely making it) for me it was suicide.
And the worst part is I couldn’t help him, I felt like I had lost everything that I had ever learned from my own depression. I wanted to be his saviour and I couldn’t be, nor should I have been.
His way out was another girl, he ran from his problems, and thought this was the answer. She wanted kids desperately like him.

Talking to him made me sad and happy at the same time. We still clicked like we did before, we had our same jokes and it was like my best friend was back. Sad because he hadn’t left the place he did before he left me for another girl. He was lonely, which is his biggest struggle, and he still struggles with that because even though he’s a believer, Jesus isn’t as apparent in his life as he should be (though I shouldn’t judge about that, no one knows that of one another). I believe there is no constant loneliness without Jesus. There are moments where we feel alone, but not to the extreme he had. The girl loved him, and he loved her, I’m sure. They just weren’t on the same page, the age difference (though denied) was in play and they lived 4 hours away from each other.
Zach was back in school, a place that made him miserable because it took over his life. He can’t ever do anything without feeling like a failure. His girlfriend was senior, he was a junior and tired. Being 25 and a junior is not ideal, we looked for ways to get him to finish online but failed.
Zach wanted to work, with some encouragement from me, he finally quit Judson. I wish he had done it before, even before I graduated.

My heart was broken for him, and all I wanted to do is take care of him.

Eventually he dropped hints he felt like leaving me was a mistake, I told him I couldn’t have this conversation with him because there was a girl in play. When he broke up with her, he made his purpose clear: he wanted me back, and sought my forgiveness for it all.

I did not want to date him right away, I made him wait a month to see me. I did not want to be a rebound girl, I was either the one or out. I wanted to see if he’d hold on. So when it was 4 weeks later, Zach came by. It was magical, it was like nothing had ever happened. I can still hear him say “I’m so fucking happy”. I had never see him like that before, it overwhelmed me and I let all my guards down.

I failed my own mission. I wanted to seek counseling with him, but I was so swept away by him and believed this time it was different.
Our relationship broke on more points that him wanting to move fast, we rushed into things psychically and fell back quickly deep and hard.
We couldn’t fight, we still can’t fight. With bad examples in parents, it’s hard to improve, we both tried so hard not to be them, that we did become them.

By Christmas we were dating again, I had trusted him, not yet forgiven him but being alone with the holidays is never good. This was the first holiday season I was alone here, no parents or family. I’m already dreading this year. He was family.

We were talking marriage fairly quickly because we just wanted to be grown ups together and this meant me not having to jump through hoops for my visa. And we both just really wanted it, we were done dating, done saying goodbye at night.

But he was still fighting that loneliness. We spend every moment together. It felt amazing to me, but he still felt that loneliness, I never took it away. No-one will probably ever take that away.

Zach quit his job and took a job in Crystal Lake, he moved to Elgin, as apposed to being in Yorkville. I had no intention to move, as I was in a lease in a house with my friends and my job is here.
We spend many nights at his dads house, falling asleep on each other.

When Zach proposed on Valentine’s Day, I was not happy. I like being special but I didn’t feel special, everyone was getting engaged and so I was I. Plus last years Valentine’s Day he was a dick (which he admitted to so this was his way of changing). I told him not to do it, I didn’t want him to do it, yet I wanted to marry him so bad. But when he did, all of my feelings changed, I didn’t care what day it was, as long as I was with him.
But he knew something was off.

We were happy, but everything went downhill from there.

I need to stop now before I cry more.

The beauty and God in this part, is that I learned to forgive.
He just left me for someone else, but I understood why and I forgave.
God has also showed me my limits, though I brought great care in Zach’s life, I had to learn, I cannot heal or fix people, only Jesus can.
The fact that Zach was so happy to see me still brings me great joy in my life, I will never forget that, sitting in his car, at portillo’s and him just being filled with joy (after he spend 2 hours finding my babysitting kid a present, the boy has patience).

“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”

- Thich Nhat Hanh (via lovequotesrus)

(Source: onlinecounsellingcollege)

lovequotesrus:

Everything you love is here

lovequotesrus:

Everything you love is here

(Source: daiquiri-kisses)

“I am trying to remember you,
and,
let you go,
at
the same time.”

- Nayyirah Waheed (via theglasschild)

(Source: tirhase)

anaritacardoso:

Barbra Streisand - Come Rain or Come Shine with John Mayer, behind the scenes

dutchster:

i don’t have plans for tonight or the rest of my life if anyone wants to have a drink or get married


thedsgnblog:

Quote of the week - 14/07/2014
Dweller | http://noelshiveley.tumblr.com

Noel Shiveley is a 22 year old letterer and designer based in Pasadena, CA, USA. He is focused on calligraphy, typography, graphic design and is always interested in collaborations.

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(Source: behance.net)

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